Where it all began

There were many times when I was sure that I would not be here now. When I thought that my depression had won, where the future was just a dark fog like the picture here and that the best solution would be to end the pain once and for all. 

That darkness is in the past but not a distant memory. Still I have flashbacks, still I remember the despair, still I fear the enveloping fog. But I have learned to live well with those thoughts, to keep myself safe, to fight back against the fog.

This is where it all began. The idea that I should do something to help others not to be in the same situation that I found myself in then. To shine a light into the darkness, to show someone that there is hope after all. And that was it. All I wanted to do was to help another 'James' realise that there was hope, that their dark thoughts did not have to win, that they did deserve to be here. I still remember promising myself, when I left the hospital for the last time, that I needed to find a way to help but I had no idea what that might look like then.

I do now! And in some ways it is as daunting now as it was then but for different reasons - something I am sure I will discuss in a later blog. If I had told myself then that I would be doing a 500 mile walk, talking to strangers (and friends) on the way, discussing men's physical and mental health, I would have suggested that I needed to turn around and go back into the hospital. You see I have come a long way from there and I am bloody proud of what I have been able to do. It has been a bumpy road but it has been worth it.

I just hope I can say that on 31st October when I walk into Stirling.